Control Freak

I don’t know about you but I am admittedly a control freak. Like if my day could perfectly planned and scheduled and my kids did exactly what I asked them to do, when I asked them, I would be in a constant state of bliss! That’s not how my life works though, I begrudgingly admit and what I’ve learned is that my crazy schedule and non-robot children have made me a better person. I’ve realized, especially since becoming a mom, that I needed to be stretched so that I could learn to trust in the only constant I have in my life, God. I didn’t know Him growing up, but came to meet Him through happenstances that He set up and I couldn’t have forseen as a possible religious experience, like Catholic college roommates in a super secular state school. 

My early twenties were spent doing what I wanted and what filled me, like serving in youth ministry, getting my master’s in film, trying to work in that industry, and eventually finding my love of teaching. What I didn’t have during that time was a constant reminder that I’m not in control. On the outside it seemed like I get to make all the decisions about my life and how it is going to turn out. 

Then I met a guy. No, not my husband, God.  Looking back over my life, He’s always been there, in the background, waiting for me to turn to Him and to trust my life to His hands. I’m not good with trust, it’s too unpredictable for my controlling nature, but hopefully I’m learning. 

Once I started seeking God, I realized that having children  has taught me about unpredictability. Mostly it’s taught me, that I’m not in charge, and that’s a good thing. Motherhood has forced me to let go of the reigns and learn to detach from control. It doesn’t mean that I let my kids do crazy stuff or that I have no rules, but it does mean that I’ve learned no matter how hard I try to control, the things I can't, the more I my desire control.  It's an evil cycle.  

God willing, my kids never get hurt, experience pain or get heartbroken by the loves of their lives, but ultimately if they do become heart broken I hope they see the heart break as an opportunity to trust and grow and learn to detach. 

Copyright 2018 Courtney Vallejo. All Rights Reserved

Image Copyright 2018 Courtney Vallejo. All Rights Reserved